The 10 Commandments of video game jerks

Online gaming is rife with toxic jackasses. The MOBA genre (League of Legends, DOTA 2, Smite, etc.) in particular is famous for being populated by some of the most obnoxious, abusive, trollish jerks of online gaming.

Everyone is a f*cking NOOB 

I find this mentality fascinating, albeit saddening. If I ran a dojo using the same principals, I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t have any students.

Can you imagine signing up for martial arts lessons, only to be immediately tossed into the fray with the toughest students, beat to hell, and then mocked and derided because you suck so much and clearly should have come better trained and better prepared?

Of course, the gaming elite can’t be bothered to admit or remember that they were ever “level 1” players still learning the ropes. But once they’ve advanced sufficiently, they’re more than happy to remind you how much YOU suck.

So if you aspire to join the ranks of “elite” gamers, here are their commandments as I’ve come to understand them.

Thou shalt…

1. Blame everyone but yourself. Your skill is beyond question. Screw the team. They should be supporting you, not the other way around.
2. Never make a mistake.  You never miss. You never fat-finger a key. You never fail. You never spill your drink or have a kid interrupt you. You are gaming’s perfect machine.
3. Never let them see you bleed. Never acknowledge that you spent many, many hours acquiring your skills—especially because if your mom finds out how much time you spent watching YouTube videos you’d get grounded.
4. Always report the unclean. Clearly anyone that isn’t playing well must be feeding.
5. Forget common sense.  You can’t be bothered to remember that most players don’t spend 30+ hours per week playing the same game you do.
6. Never offer constructive advice.  You can only help NOOBs by  toughening them up. Strength only comes through surviving years of abuse. Berating and belittling are the path to strength. [If this fails, you may bemoan your existence and curse the gods because you’re losing a video game and it’s not your fault! (See commandment #1)]
7. Assume everything. You can’t be bothered to know, guess, or speculate the countless possible variables, skill levels, playing conditions, or anything else that comes into play when numerous (10+ usually) human beings from across the country or the globe are tossed into an online video game. Your video game is your only reality.
8. Command the unworthy. They are unclean and have disgraced your game, so they must uninstall and be cast from the ranks.